Life

I just want to take the time to point out how amazing life truly is. I know that cancer at times can cast a shadow on life and it's joys, but I also have noticed that for me in particular it has caused me to stop and smell the roses. Tonight on my walk I chose to go through a neighborhood that I have passed but never strolled through. As I was walking on the side walk I noticed a beautiful aroma in the air, I looked up to see a tree with huge clusters of small flowers that smelled so wonderful and sweet. I walked slowly under that tree being careful to enjoy every bit of the scent that it was putting into the air. Amazing how so many times we just pass things like that tree in our hasty and busy lives, without enjoying the fragrance that is lurking in the air. We walk (or run) past the best things in life because we think that what we have planned is the best, but sometimes the things that aren't planned bring us the most joy.

Father's day

Wow, I didn't realize that it has been over a month since my last post. To be honest in the world of cancer, not much has changed, I wish I could be telling you that there is a cure that was found or something cool like that. Some of the unsung heroes in the fight against cancer are the children that have parents that are fighting the disease. Nothing points that out more than one of the cards that I got today, my kids wish for this battle to be over with just as much as I do. I can't imagine the fear and uncertainty that is in their little minds as I walk this long dark road, I do know that they have seen me at my weakest points. I am sad to say that when everyone sees me I sometimes put on a mask of confidence and hope, but my kids see me when I can barely move and when my spirits are down, that is certain to bring confusion to them. They still see me as Superman, but they also are aware of my Kryptonite. I continue to fight this for them, but with them being next to me in the trenches I cannot help but wonder what effect either good or bad this might have on them.

Stinkin' Sidewalk

I don't normally complain on here about anything, to be honest I am usually pretty positive.  However, tonight had to be one of the suckiest nights for me in quite awhile.  I went for my usual evening run with the dog (my doctor told me not too), and I tripped on an uneven piece of sidewalk and skinned my knee, now normally that would be no problem but right now I need my body to worry about fighting cancer and not infection or even trying to heal a common scrape.  With my condition, this could prove to be a not good thing at all, but I am trusting that the same God who informed me that I would make it through cancer will allow me to heal up without an infection.  

Cat or Dog

Today I go in for a Pet Scan.  the doctor told me during my last treatment that all cancer should be gone or close to gone.  The Pet Scan today should be able to tell us how well the cancer has responded thus far to the poison that I have been putting in my body.  I am half way finished with the treatments and hope for things to stay that way.

Bartender, give me another round.

Well, yesterday was the day for another round.  Not drinks, but chemo.  It never seems to get easier, each time I go there I hope that they will inform me that I only need a special miracle pill that will make it all go away, but that never happens.  The next few days will be spent trying to recover and making Misty do all of the house work (as if she doesn't already).  I did get to see another person graduate and ring the bell by the door, I can't wait until it is my turn.  I plan to ring that bell loud and hard on my last day.  Anyhow that is how things are going in my life, nothing has changed and I am still fighting just as hard as I have from the beginning.

Wife Is Good!!!

There are a lot of things in life that could cause more pain than cancer has for me.  I think about people that will never get to feel the warmth of having people around them that love them and I begin to cherish what I have.  one of the often unsaid victims of cancer is the spouse of the cancer patient, so much is spent in time and money on those that are diagnosed with cancer that the ones who love them seem to fall to the way side.  Since I started treatments my wife has not only had to under go the pains of her health issues, but she has had to endure the agony of mine as well.  She has had to increase the amount of things that she does around the house because of the added infectious problems that they can cause for me.  She has had to put up with me not being able to help with simple chores on the weekends after I have had treatments.  While most everybody that I come into contact with see me with a huge smile on my face, my wife has had to deal with my unusual grumpiness.  I truly think that the unsung heroes in the fight against cancer are the spouses of those who are diagnosed, they are tough.  

Dose four and a dog.

Wow, what a weekend.  Easter came so fast this year, almost as if it came without any warning.  We had a great service and gave out thousands of eggs to kids that were in attendance.  I had treatment on Thursday and suffered the usual stomach problems (constipation and nausea) as I have in the past.  My white blood cells have remained extremely well so far and I am only having a few side effects from the chemo.  On Friday I had a movie day with the children's church followed by shopping for Easter clothes.  When we got home at around 8PM we received information about a dog that needed a home, so we took an hour drive to go look at her, she is the sweetest dog.  We were a bit hesitant in getting her as we just lost our other dog from an unknown illness just three weeks ago, but we took her in regardless.  I got to spend some one on one time with her last night and within minutes I had her sitting on command, she is very smart. Her name is Julie and she is part Labrador mixed with some sort of shepherd, she is beautiful.  I know that some of you reading this are probably wondering why I would take on the adventure of a puppy while going through chemo.  Honestly, I know that without a dog I tend to not be as apt to go for nightly walks and runs as I should, cancer doesn't really help with weight loss as much as I had hoped so I still have to work at losing those unwanted pounds.  Julie will be a great companion for running and taking long walks, I hope to lose another seventy five pounds with her assistance.  The other bonus of adding a dog to the mix, is that she keeps the kids busy and forces them to pick up their toys.

Helping Others.

This week has been amazing in how at times I have felt down and then brought back to understanding why I am suffering through cancer.  My hope in all of this is that people might come to trust God more in their own lives.  Just today someone emailed me telling me about the spiritual progress of their friend due in part because of what they have been reading in this blog and the faith that God has allowed me to have.  My true hope with this blog is to help others grow in their faith.  If you or someone you know has been able to grow in their faith through reading this blog, feel free to post about it so that others can grow in faith.  I think that faith is contagious, even more so than the flu or any sickness, so feel free to share those stories.

"Kiss my grits"

Well as many of you know this weekend was tons of fun, I got to spend my night with the friendly staff at Moffitt Cancer Center last night.  They are very accommodating they even had a clean bed ready for me when I arrived.  It appears that I just got a bit of the flu or a cold just like anyone else, except with chemo they freak out and want you to be under watch.  I still am convinced that this is just an attack from satan and I have news for him, in the eloquent words of Flo, satan you can kiss my grits.  

Under the weather

In a normal year I get a cold maybe once or twice and they last a week and are usually not to much of a concern for me.  This time is different, today I started to experience the cold symptoms cough, runny nose, congestion, and body aches.  Normally these symptoms are not concerning and I usually ignore them and go on.  i really think that this time is more of an attack from the devil than in the past, just this week in Children's Church we talked about how we as Christians have authority over the devil and how he tries to stop God by harming those who serve Him.  This week has been a mountain top week for our children's ministry, and I feel that this cold is an attack from Satan himself.  I am believing God for complete control over this situation and know that Satan has no ability to cause me anymore harm.  With all of this in mind, I believe god has some pretty big plans to follow the awesomeness that He showed this week.  So, Satan, if you are reading this you can kiss my butt, oh yeah and enjoy the size 14 shoe in your face, 'cause I ain't going out like that.  I apologize to the rest of you for my strong language, and know that you will be in prayer with me that I will get better soon.

Awesome Week.

When I found out that I had cancer people told me that life would find a new normal, and that everything would be looked at through the eyes of cancer.  That little bit of advice cannot be any further from the truth.  Since my diagnosis in January, I have tried to maintain life as normal and too much of my own surprise my efforts have been successful.  There are times when I suffer from Chemo Brain, but for the most part life is lived just as it was prior to the big "C" and in some cases my life and health are better.  This week is one of those times where the big "C" has had little effect on the success or failure of the things that I have pursued, and for that I thank God.

Pushing Through

This weekend has been a real whirlwind for my family, but God is continuing to be awesome in everything.  I had a treatment on Thursday, Misty had a colonoscopy on Friday, Nate had a church event and Karate tournament on Saturday, and we started a kids revival on Sunday that will last through Wednesday.  What a weekend!!!  God continues to give me the strength that I need to push through the times when I feel weak or tired.  Thank You God for the strength to stand when I don't think that I can.

Third time around.

I am now three days past my third treatment, and things have gone pretty well.  The only different side effect that I have had this time has been neuropathy in my fingers and in my toes, this is fun and scary at the same time.  It is nice that now I can carry hot pans from the oven to the table without a pot holder, but smell of the hot flesh is not to pleasing.  I am only kidding, I have to take extreme care to make sure that I pay attention so that I don't injure myself without knowing about it.  This time around I still lost taste, I know that some would argue that I have never had much taste to begin with.  On a more serious note, things are going great and i couldn't ask for a better outcome considering the circumstances.

not much happening

Some times I feel guilty when I haven't posted for a few days, as if I am letting people down because I have nothing to say.  Really right now in the course of my treatment it seems that not much is happening.  My lymph nodes are continuing to decrease in size and everyday is just one day closer to the end of this short journey.  I don't resent having cancer, but I don't enjoy it either. I know that God will bring me through and that in the end He alone deserves the glory. 

One Week

Today marks the day that I celebrate every two weeks, the one week before and after chemo treatments.  This round has been much better than the last time in the sense that I have been able to get back to life much quicker than the last time.  Since my treatment last Thursday I have walked nearly every night and ran one evening.  My kids still don't quite understand my situation and Celeena still thinks that the bump from the port in my chest is the reason I am sick.  Their simple understanding of my condition is just one more reason that I must live through it.  How can a child that cannot fully comprehend why their daddy is sick understand why their daddy died?  The thought of someone having to explain this complexity to them is reason enough to keep on living.

What Is Time?

When the doctor informed me that I would have to go through six months of chemotherapy the amount of time seemed like an eternity.  I thought to myself of all the things that I would miss out on in that time and the torture that my body would be going through.  Six months in the broad scope of things is not very long at all.  I began to think of those that suffer for that time or longer just learning how to walk with a prosthetic leg, or recovering from a spinal injury to be bound to a wheel chair for life.  When I began to look at things in that light I realized that my six months of torture isn't as bad as it could be, heck women go through nine month of being nauseous, which is three months longer than my projected time.  Right now there are guys and gals coming back from the battlefield that not only will suffer for a time from the pain of their wounds, but will have to adjust to living with scars that are much deeper than the ones that I will incur.  My time of suffering doesn't look so bad in comparison to what others must go through, and for that I am extremely thankful.  Yeah, I won't get to ride with my top down for a while or go to the beach, but in six short months the weather in Florida will still be like summer, and that top is going to be off while I am on my way to the beach to swim and get sunburned just like every summer since I moved to Florida. 

Better the second time around

This week I got my second day of round one.  Things have been much better this time around, not nearly as much nausea, pain or any other discomforts.  I even had enough energy last night to walk a few miles to play a prank on our Royal Rangers.  They were camping at a park a few miles from our apartment, so I snuck up there in the middle of the night and set off a string of firecrackers and scared them.  They thought that a war had started, I guess that a string of

m-80's will do that to a bunch of ten year olds.  I still had a little bit of energy drain today, but getting out and walking last night really helped get through the weekend.

Bad News.

Got some bad news this week, my car insurance just went up.  Ok I know that was cheesy and since this is a cancer blog you probably feel like you have just been ripped off or something.  On another note, today I went through day two of chemo.  While Ia m there I get to catch up on reading, movies, tv, shows and anything else that I can think of to help me pass the time; as it is very boring.  All of my blood counts looked good and the doctors seem to have a very positive outlook.  Some of the people that have been receiving treatment at the same time that I do have not been so fortunate.  I look at what I am going through in comparison to them and I know that I am extremely fortunate.  I remind them that God is in control and that I will continue to pray for them, I ask that you would do the same.  Even though I now know what it means to suffer, Ihave no idea the pain that these people are going through.  It is in times like today where I pray that God uses me in a way that can touch the lives of others.

More Poison, But I Ain't Scared

Tomorrow I get the joy of adding more poison to my body, not something that I look forward to but something that is necessary for my survival.  This entire process has been a learning experience for me.  I have learned more about myself through this than any other single event in my life.  Cancer has shown me not only my weaknesses but also my strengths.  One of those strengths is my ability to put faith in God to handle my situations when most people would worry.  Tonight in our Bible study at church we talked about fear, one of the questions dealt with what fears we have.  The only true fear that I could think of is not being able to accomplish in my life what God wants me to accomplish, I don't fear death or any other thing that most people fear.  What in life do we really have to fear?  Should we fear the unknown, death, public speaking, or anything else?  As someone that is facing a slim possibility of death, I feel no reason to fear it.  The unknown is like a mystery that invokes a thrill ride such as a roller coaster in a dark tunnel, you can't see what is ahead but that is where the thrill comes.  I encourage you to look into your fears, and defeat them in any way possible.  Fear is only a restraint of the devil that keeps people from truly experiencing the joy of life as God intended.

Run For Your Life!

When I found out that I could have something seriously wrong with my health I decided that it was time to get serious about how I treated my body.  As some of you might already know I have lost nearly fifty pounds since Christmas.  One of the things that I have incorporated into my life is running.  I like running for the simple fact that it allows me to do more of one of my favorite activities, eating.  I know that prior to exercising my heart and blood pressure numbers were all higher than I would like, and after just one month of exercising my numbers dropped drastically. One of the numbers that dropped surprisingly was my fasting blood sugar levels, exercise has brought them into the normal range.  Cancer has tried to stop me from exercising, and at times it is successful, but I will not let it stop me from achieving what I need to achieve in my fitness goals.  When I am finished with cancer I will be meaner and leaner than I ever have, and that will allow me to live how I have always wanted (on the edge).  I will no longer be restricted by my body from doing things like skydiving, rock climbing, scuba diving, bull riding, or anything else that I put my mind too.  I don't run for fitness, I run for my life.

A Great Day.

Today was great, if I didn't know better I would have thought that I wasn't even going through chemo and cancer.  I felt as if I could take on the world.  What a great day!!!

Chemo Sunrise.

The joys of chemo are starting to wear thin.  One of the effects that chemo has is that when I awaken in the morning I feel as if I have not slept at all.  It is on mornings like these that I have to get up for more than just the feeling of having rested, I must get up to live.  I know that people tend to stay in bed when they don't feel like getting up, for me that is how I used to be, but chemo makes all things different.  I know that if I were to stay in bed the feeling of defeat could easily take over and this fight would be lost.  I push through not because I want to, but because my very life depends on it.  The same holds true with our spiritual lives, if we give in to what our mind says we should do, then our spirit will die.  Just as in life we must gather the courage to get up so that we can live victoriously over the evil that so wants to destroy us.  If we stay in bed then we lose the fight.  I encourage you to get up because your spiritual life depends on it.

Feeling Better Today

Today I began to feel a bit better than I have in the past few days.  I was able to do my usual 4 mile walk this evening, something that I had not done since Thursday.  After the walk I was pretty zonked and my muscles felt like jello.  I still felt very fatigued throughout the day, but managed to make it through.  One cool thing that I have noticed is that I can already tell that my lymph-nodes are decreasing in size, so I guess that the poison is working.

Normal?

As I enter into this long process I wonder if my life will ever be back to normal, or will there be a new normal afterwards.  I hope that after this ordeal that there is a new normal, a normal that is more enjoyable.  I enjoy life now, but I hope to enjoy it to the fullest when this is finished.  To say that I want to grab life by the horns would be an understatement.  Instead I want to grab life and suck every amount out of it as possible, to do everything that I have ever dreamed of doing and to do it well.  That is the new normal that I want in my life.

Better!

Today started out a little rocky but as the day progressed things started going better.  I think for this round things are probably going to get better.  I can't imagine that I would experience any weird stuff before my next treatment.  I keep my faith in God to bring me through this time of trial, and that allows for me to know that this is only temporary and not permanent.  I cannot imagine going through this and knowing that death was to be the end result.  The people that do that really have courage that I can't even begin to imagine.

A Long Day.

Today was one of the worse that I have had during this whole ordeal.  One of the main side effects of the chemo that I am on is that things don't pass as easily as they normally do, making life not so pleasant.  I did feel a bit of nausea today, but I think that it was do to the fact that stuff isn't flowing properly.  I was up early with the Jam sale and noticed that the cold air was pretty rough on my bones, I felt like a wimp in the cold.  After the sale I spent most of the day relaxing and being around the family.

First Chemo

My introduction to chemo was yesterday.  So far the only side effect that I  have suffered is a bland taste to food that I am eating.  Not bad for a guy with an addiction to taste who is looking to lose weight.  I only experienced a small amount of nausea last night, but that subsided.  So far so good.

The Big Day!!!

Tomorrow is the day that I have been looking forward to and dreading since I found out what was wrong with me.  I look forward to this all being over with, yet dread having to go down that road.  I know it will all be over before I realize it.  I guess it is like a hard work out in that sense.  I will do my best to keep this blog informed through my treatments as to what is going on, until then.

Hangin' with the Fam.

Not much went on today in the realm of treatments or horror stories about needles and doctor visits.  I did get to do one of my favorite activities, hangin' with the family.  We slept in late, watched T.V., played with the dog, and had an all around slow peaceful day.  Six months ago I would have wanted to go somewhere or do something exciting, but it was nice just to hang around the house and do nothing.  

Day of Rest?

Sunday should be a day of rest, unless you are in the ministry, then it should be a long hard day.  Just kidding, I am grateful that God allows me to do what I do and still get paid for it.  Really, how many of you go into a job and clown around, tell stories, play video games, hide behind a curtain making weird voices, and get paid for it.  What I do is fun and enjoyable, it does still make for a tiring morning in which my afternoon nap is greatly welcomed.

Long Day

Today has been an extremely long day.  I started the day in South Tampa delivering flowers to raise money for our Children's Ministries.  One of my stops was at a nice sushi place, so I ate lunch there, rally good place called The Rack.  It is a sushi bar and pool hall, so I might use that for a date night when chemo is over and I am allowed to have sushi again.  Then to finish the day off I took care of some things that need to be done before I start treatment, such as change the oil in my jeep and rotate the tires.  Misty continued in her conquest of laundry and super cleaning the house, so that I don't get any weird stuff while on chemo.  I am really proud of how she is handling everything.  Some of you may not know that she is having some health stuff too, I think it might be an ulcer (wonder why?).  She has been very supporting of me through this whole ordeal, and if she had it her way I would obey all of the doctor's orders (like not working out or lifting things that are too heavy).  She even found time to make my favorite dessert and fix the kids favorite dinner tonight (we went out last night).  Just when I thought my day was long I realized that hers was even longer.  Thank you Misty.  I LOVE YOU!!!

Run.

Before Christmas as many of you already know I began to get myself in shape by exercising and eating properly.  I am glad to say that since that time I have been able to drop about 40 pounds, now some of that might be do to my condition, but I have been working really hard at getting in shape also.  My whole adult life I have struggled with weight and exercise, I always knew that if I would jog that my weight wouldn't be as much of a problem.  For me the idea of running without someone chasing me or me chasing someone seemed useless.  Starting is always the hardest part about any exercise especially running.  In January I started to run consistently for the first time in my life and I was doing pretty good at it until last Friday.  When I had my port installed they told me that I couldn't run for two weeks, what a let down.  I have continued exercising by gong for long walks in the evening, but I miss my runs every other day.  I look forward to being able to run in the next week or so.  To put it honestly I am ready to have my life back and not be dealing with this time waster called cancer.  I will run again, and I will be strong, and cancer will be gone.

Bargaining.

Today I found myself trying to bargain with God about my condition.  I understand that God might or might not have a reason to allow me to go through this trial in my life, but I find that I wish I didn't have to go through with it.  So I am bargaining with God that since I have cancer if he heals me before chemo, then there is no doubt that it was a complete work of God.  I know that God is going to bring me through it, but the sooner the better.

As some of you might already know my son Nate is in Karate.  Tonight I got to watch him spar for the first time, the lower belts sparred wit higher belts.  He was going against one kid that kept backing him up, later I told him that in life you must stand your ground.  The same holds true in the fight with cancer, I can either let it back me in a corner or I can stand my ground and fight.  I choose to fight.

Big!

Today was a little more eventful than yesterday, I received a call from the nurse at my doctor's office and was told that I have stageIIIA at this point and that they have not received the results from my bone marrow biopsy.  They also informed me that what they once thought would take about four months of chemo will now take six months.  I truly believe that the bigger the need the bigger the miracle and that God is still in control no matter what the prognosis.  Needless to say I was still a bit bummed about the ordeal.  I know that God is going to heal me whether with the doctor's help or just supernaturally, but the ordeal has made me look at the issue of life and death in a manner that I would never have in the past.  I ask myself, "have I done all in this life that I was meant to do? Has my life amounted to anything of value?  Have I made a significant splash?"  I don't want to sound philosophical or even down trodden, but I feel that we are put on this earth for a purpose that only we can meet.  Life is more than just a coincidence or a flash in time.  I have come to understand that in order to accept life we must also accept death, as there can be no protagonist if there fails to be an antagonist.  The climax in life does not end in death, but in living.  Death is not an end to life, but merely a pit stop along the way.  I do not fear death, neither do I welcome it with open arms as I feel that my purpose is not complete.  I plan to live many years past cancer, however those years will be lived differently from the ones before cancer.  I pray that cancer teaches me how to be a better husband, father, minister, and person.  I want to love people more than I did before, and show more compassion to those in need of it.  

Boring Day!!!

Today I awoke with all of the anticipation that today might be the day.  I really felt that today someone would come on the news with a special news bulletin "this just in, cure for all types of cancer found today written on a napkin found in King Tut's tomb."  I guess today wasn't that day, nor do I think it will happen tomorrow.  It will probably happen on the day after my last chemo treatment.  On a serious note, not much has happened in the world of cancer since my last blog, which for me that is not a bad thing.  I am glad that of all of the diseases that a person could have mine should be over in just a few short months, instead of dealing with it for a lifetime.  I can't even imagine the turmoil people go through when they have a disease that will stick around for life.  I know that I am strong, but I am not that strong.  I think that I would much rather have cancer than a disease like MS or MD, with cancer I can still feel well on most days.  My hat goes off to those people that suffer from lifelong ailments.  

Doctors, wow!!!

The thought of intelligent design in the scientific community is one that in recent years has began to gain some steam.  To some the debate rages on while to others it is pretty simple and plain for the eye or even the microscope to see.  Today I spent some time researching the history behind Hodgkin's Disease.  It amazes me to know that God has given doctors such an unbelievable gift as to be able to look at a group of cells and determine what disease is effecting those cells.  The advances in modern science in regards to Hodgkin's over the past ten years is proof that we couldn't have come from a single cell organism.  If you need to, look it up for yourself; there is no other explanation for the complexity of the human body than for there to be designer that planned it out.  The cool thing is that God knew exactly what Doctors to put where in order to advance research that would allow for them to find cures for diseases such as cancer.  

The other day I had the privilege of discussing my condition with one of the technicians in the nuclear medicine department at Moffitt, and she informed me of how stem cell research could allow for doctors to taylor make cancer treatments for patients.  The only reason to make a taylor made treatment program is because each patient is uniquely designed.  Every part of our bodies is unique to us, no two persons are exactly the same.  Every person is created with a specific purpose and contribution to give to the world.  An that thought is what helps me get through this, I have a purpose!!!

The Dealer!!!

I have always said that life is dealt out just like a hand of cards, and that the only thing that matters is how you play them.  That is so true, even while standing in the shadow of gloom that can sometimes be dealt by cancer.  When the news came that I had cancer I felt as if I had been dealt a hand of all low number cards in a rainbow array of suits.  As any gambler knows, the game is not won in what is dealt but how you play the cards and how well you can out think the other players.  Cancer is a bad hand, but it is not the end of the game, I will draw two more cards in hopes that the hand betters, I will pray that I have the better hand, and I will continue to play as if I have the hand that can win it all.  This is not an attempt at empty hope, it is far from that, as cancer is not the end of my game, I will play on and cancer will fold.  

My hope is not based on mere fate or on some notion that I alone can beat this, my faith is in the One who made my body.  He alone is my chance at beating cancer, without His help my body would shrivel and die.  You see I know the dealer, and I know that He has an ACE up His sleeve, and with His help I WILL win this hand.

Sorry.

Yesterday was a pretty large day for me as I went through two procedures, looked for a dog, and spent time with the family.  I had my Smart Port installed into my chest.  The port is pretty cool, I hope I get to keep it after it comes out.  I then had my bone-marrow taken out of my hip.  The whole series of procedures was supposed to be done under full anesthesia, however if you drink some water before going then they have to keep you awake.  I found that out the hard way, it was pretty neat knowing when they were cutting and cauterizing my vessels on the install of my port, but I don't remember the bone marrow tap.  Misty was there to drive me home and listen to me talk out of my head.  We finished the morning with a nice sashimi and sushi lunch at Samurai Blue in Ybor.  What a day it was.

Sleep.

Today I had the distinct pleasure of getting to sleep during the majority of the morning.  I was shot up with radioactive sugar and told to relax for 90 minutes.  I fell asleep within 15 minutes.  I was then awakened to go to the PT scan room.  They strapped me in and a few minutes later I was asleep again.  I practically slept until 11:30 this morning.

The tole of this process is starting to show signs in the lives and stress levels of my family members.  Tonight the kids are at some friends house, while Misty and I get to discuss the road to recovery.  Sometimes I feel that this is harder on them than it is on me.

The Truth About Needles

Today I had the distinct pleasure of giving blood.  I know some of you are wondering why a cancer patient would give blood.  In my case it was pretty simple decision, as my doctor requested that they take it from me, so instead of having my blood taken I gladly gave it.  I know that I have said that needles scare me, the truth is that I actually like to watch it when they stick them in.  Morbid I think, but for some reason it is easier to watch them poke me then to turn my head.  I guess that is because I am a person that doesn't like surprises.  I want to know what is wrapped in the box weeks before I open it, I will even try to connive my children and wife into telling me what is in my Christmas presents.  The one thing that I hate more than needles is the anticipation of the needle going into my skin, I want to watch so that I know exactly when it is going in.  Tomorrow I get to have a PT scan, which includes more needles (I will watch them go in also), and some pictures (I better wear nice clothes).  Until then.

Nothing Much

Today has been pretty uneventful in the fight against cancer.  I scheduled my port placement and bone marrow tap for Friday of this week.  I am not afraid of much, but needles are not to fun.  I do look forward with hesitant anticipation to the thought of being sedated.  I have never experienced that in the past, so it will be interesting.  Well, that is all for now.

Torture

Today was one of the worst days of this process yet.  I hate needles (I know I need to get used to them) so today in honor of the possible release of Gitmo prisoners the federal gov't decided to torture me at the hands of the medical staff at Moffitt Cancer Center.  They stuck needles in both of my arms, one in a vein the other in an artery, then they put radioactive material in the blood and returned it into my body; I hope I glow tonight, they said I wouldn't but it would be cool.  They also took pictures of my heart and checked to make sure my lungs work.  Everything looked good, I guess all of those cigarettes that I smoked when I was eight haven't had much effect on my heart and lungs.  I do wish that when they finished torturing me that I could have gotten a cool Spiderman sticker, I guess they stop doing that when you get old.

What A Day.

Sunday's and I have a love hate relationship, I find myself loving church but at sometimes I find myself dreading it also.  Let me explain, I love it when a plan comes together, I don't when things fall through.  I love it when the kids listen to every single word, I don't love it when they want to hear nothing of what I am saying.  I enjoy the rest that I get on Sunday, but I don't always like the stress that I experience.  I think that with almost everything in life there are things that we like about any given subject, but then on the same subject there are things that we dislike.  I like the fact that cancer will give me an opportunity to understand others in a way that I would have never understood them before, I don't like the uncertainty of what is ahead.  

I it is easy for us to say that God has it all worked out, but putting that into actin is not always as easy.  There are times when I ask God why me, and that is not bad, as it is not wrong to question God.  When I see someone who is doing things that are known to cause cancer, yet I don't do those things, I can't help but wonder why me.  The truth however is that because of sin, death and sickness have entered into the world.  The good thing is that we don't have to accept that fate, if we have Jesus in our lives.  Think About It.

Just another day.

I spent today helping my wife clean around the house, ok she cleaned and I moved things when she asked me to.  Misty has done such a good job of getting the house ready for my chemo.  As for the kids I took the time to play around with them and let them climb on me as that might not be possible in the near future.  I am just ready to be finished with all of this and am looking forward to the summer when life can return to normal.

Getting Ready

Today I spent most of my time doing things that I might not be able to do while on chemo, the rest of the time I spent with my family.  I took Celeena to her dance class, the whole time I began to think that maybe Karate would have been a better choice for her, especially when she was spinning and kicking her feet in the air.  As far as the whole treatment thing goes we scheduled my bone marrow biopsy, then it dawned on me that since it requires sedation that doing the port at the same time would be a good idea.  The doctor's office said they would get back to me about that.  Today I would like to take the time to thank all of those that are praying for my speedy recovery, your prayers mean more than you can realize.

Port placement

I found out today that they will be placing the chemo port in me next Friday.  I have to bring a driver to take me home so that I don't have a wreck and die.  This will be my first time to be sedated, I am kind of looking forward to that new experience.  I know that many people with cancer say that in life they wish they could experience more things, I have experienced a lot of things but there are some that I could leave off of the list if given the chance.  Cancer is one of them.  I don't fear it, but it seems to be getting in the way of the things that I would rather be doing, such as building the Kingdom of God, but I guess if the King decides that I should go through it then He knows better than I do.  I just wish He would have consulted me before making any decisions.  The truth of the matter is that I have always looked forward to the challenges that adversity brings (I was one that hoped Y2K would have been real, just because it would have been interesting).  I like variety, sometimes the mundane gets boring, there are times that I like change just for the sense of change.  Those changes that are brought on by the challenges of adversity are what make life worth living.  Funny, but cancer makes life worth living.  To succumb to adversity (in this case cancer) is not an option, to overcome it however, is a challenge worth meeting.

Treatment plan

I met with my doctor yesterday and we have discussed a possible treatment plan.  Provided we have no surprises in my bone marrow or on my pet scan treatment should take approximately 4 months with 2 treatments per month.  Not as bad as some that I have heard of.  I guess 4 months of torture for a lifetime of storytelling is not such a bad trade off.  So lets be in prayer that there are no surprises in the tests that I will be going through in the next few weeks.  

I find it funny when people ask how I feel at this time.  Honestly I feel fine, I guess the funny thing is that one would think that all cancers hurt, but mine I barely even know that it is there.  So if you ask me how I feel and I give you a weird face of some sort, understand that until the treatments start I will feel normal.  My legs on the other hand might be sore as I have been running and cycling in the mornings before my day starts.  

Looking Forward.

It has been almost a week since I received the news about my condition.  I know that the first several days seemed almost surreal as if I was living in a nightmare from which I could not awaken from.  The reality of everything is starting to set in and with that some sense of anxiety, not fear or worry, but understanding of what my life will be like in the next few months.  In order to get past those anxieties I have found it quite helpful to look past cancer, to plan my life after the battle.  I look forward to how I will live my life after this leg of the journey is complete.  One of the things that I look forward to is a cross country trip to California on the old "Route 66" camping every night along the way or even staying at one of the old motor inns.  I look forward to gazing across the Grand Canyon with Misty beside me.  I look forward to maybe getting crazy and jumping out of a perfectly good airplane just for the thrill of living.  Riding a bull might be something worth trying (I feel sorry for that bull if I do).  I look forward to seeing my children be the best that they can be.  I plan to be here to walk my daughter down the isle and to see my son's face when he becomes a father for the first time.  I imagine a life where the things that have tasked me in the past just won't matter, a life that is lived to the fullest where every minute is full of joy and appreciation.  It is funny how we sometimes need the motivation of something as serious as cancer to teach us how to live.  

Insurance?

I have come to the conclusion as to why early detection of cancer makes so much of a difference in the outcome.  That is because of the snail speed of the insurance companies in approving treatments.  If this is my only frustration through the process I will be doing well.  I know that insurance is going to be a big help in this fight, but it seems like they take things slow. 

I did hear from Moffit Cancer Center today and they have scheduled me for an appointment in the afternoon tomorrow.  I presume that we will discuss a plan of action at that point.  There is one prayer that I have tonight, I pray that he is able to tell me that all of the other Docs have been wrong and that I don't have cancer.  That would really make my day, however I don't think that will be the case.

But He was pierced for our transgression,

He was crushed for our iniquities;

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

And by His wounds we are HEALED!   Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

Boogie Man

Most of us are familiar with the Veggie Tales song that tells little Jr. Asparagus that God is bigger than the Boogie Man.  Even as adults it is helpful to think of the little songs that we sing to our children when they are afraid, sad, feeling alone, or even melancholy.  As I told my Children's Church today about some of the changes that they might see in my body in the next couple of months I saw how some of them had a look of fear about what the future might hold.  I too have experienced times where I am afraid (I am human you know), but when I feel like I am out on my own and that this "Boogie Man" is waiting to get the best of me I remind myself that no matter how big the "Boogie Man" appears, God is still BIGGER.

Day Three

Today was wonderful, I spent it with the family at home, then later went to dinner with my pastors.  I have appreciated all of the letters and prayers that I have received throughout the past few days, I never realized that people would come out of the woodwork so much with their inspiring stories and battles with cancer.  I find it amazing that people who have not had someone close to them survive cancer think that it is a death sentence, but the further I go on this journey the more I realize how many people have been exactly where I am and have lived to tell about it.  When it come to people with cancer there are two types, those that have cancer and those who cancer has them.  The latter are the ones that seem to succumb to it's terrible grasp.  I want to just be one of those people who has cancer, I control it, not the other way around.  I hope that in this journey I can be of encouragement to those who I come into contact with, both those with and those without cancer.  I hope that my faith will inspire you all to grow spiritually, as I plan to grow through this journey that God has given me the opportunity to travel.  I know that some of you won't understand why I call this an opportunity, I hope and pray that one day you will understand.  

Wow?!

Yesterday was the start of the journey of a lifetime.  The thoughts and preparation of this journey had been worked through for the past several weeks.  My journey started with a call from the doctor, he said that the biopsy from two days before had shown results of Hodgkin's Disease.  Wow, what a day.  The news wasn't as devastating as I had presumed that it would have been, the day from that point seemed so surreal almost numbing.  I spent the remainder of the day comforting others about my diagnosis, not even worrying as I thought that I would.  There has never been a time where I have backed down from anything, I have always stood my ground; so I have decided that I would not change who I am because of a disease.  My faith is strong that the God who saved me from my sins can also heal me from my sicknesses.  I have always said that I believe in a God that heals, saves, and delivers; I guess it is time to put my money where my mouth is.  So cancer, if you want to fight I have three words for you "BRING IT ON!" because my God is bigger than the both of us and with Him fighting my fight you have no chance!