A Great Day.

Today was great, if I didn't know better I would have thought that I wasn't even going through chemo and cancer.  I felt as if I could take on the world.  What a great day!!!

Chemo Sunrise.

The joys of chemo are starting to wear thin.  One of the effects that chemo has is that when I awaken in the morning I feel as if I have not slept at all.  It is on mornings like these that I have to get up for more than just the feeling of having rested, I must get up to live.  I know that people tend to stay in bed when they don't feel like getting up, for me that is how I used to be, but chemo makes all things different.  I know that if I were to stay in bed the feeling of defeat could easily take over and this fight would be lost.  I push through not because I want to, but because my very life depends on it.  The same holds true with our spiritual lives, if we give in to what our mind says we should do, then our spirit will die.  Just as in life we must gather the courage to get up so that we can live victoriously over the evil that so wants to destroy us.  If we stay in bed then we lose the fight.  I encourage you to get up because your spiritual life depends on it.

Feeling Better Today

Today I began to feel a bit better than I have in the past few days.  I was able to do my usual 4 mile walk this evening, something that I had not done since Thursday.  After the walk I was pretty zonked and my muscles felt like jello.  I still felt very fatigued throughout the day, but managed to make it through.  One cool thing that I have noticed is that I can already tell that my lymph-nodes are decreasing in size, so I guess that the poison is working.

Normal?

As I enter into this long process I wonder if my life will ever be back to normal, or will there be a new normal afterwards.  I hope that after this ordeal that there is a new normal, a normal that is more enjoyable.  I enjoy life now, but I hope to enjoy it to the fullest when this is finished.  To say that I want to grab life by the horns would be an understatement.  Instead I want to grab life and suck every amount out of it as possible, to do everything that I have ever dreamed of doing and to do it well.  That is the new normal that I want in my life.

Better!

Today started out a little rocky but as the day progressed things started going better.  I think for this round things are probably going to get better.  I can't imagine that I would experience any weird stuff before my next treatment.  I keep my faith in God to bring me through this time of trial, and that allows for me to know that this is only temporary and not permanent.  I cannot imagine going through this and knowing that death was to be the end result.  The people that do that really have courage that I can't even begin to imagine.

A Long Day.

Today was one of the worse that I have had during this whole ordeal.  One of the main side effects of the chemo that I am on is that things don't pass as easily as they normally do, making life not so pleasant.  I did feel a bit of nausea today, but I think that it was do to the fact that stuff isn't flowing properly.  I was up early with the Jam sale and noticed that the cold air was pretty rough on my bones, I felt like a wimp in the cold.  After the sale I spent most of the day relaxing and being around the family.

First Chemo

My introduction to chemo was yesterday.  So far the only side effect that I  have suffered is a bland taste to food that I am eating.  Not bad for a guy with an addiction to taste who is looking to lose weight.  I only experienced a small amount of nausea last night, but that subsided.  So far so good.

The Big Day!!!

Tomorrow is the day that I have been looking forward to and dreading since I found out what was wrong with me.  I look forward to this all being over with, yet dread having to go down that road.  I know it will all be over before I realize it.  I guess it is like a hard work out in that sense.  I will do my best to keep this blog informed through my treatments as to what is going on, until then.

Hangin' with the Fam.

Not much went on today in the realm of treatments or horror stories about needles and doctor visits.  I did get to do one of my favorite activities, hangin' with the family.  We slept in late, watched T.V., played with the dog, and had an all around slow peaceful day.  Six months ago I would have wanted to go somewhere or do something exciting, but it was nice just to hang around the house and do nothing.  

Day of Rest?

Sunday should be a day of rest, unless you are in the ministry, then it should be a long hard day.  Just kidding, I am grateful that God allows me to do what I do and still get paid for it.  Really, how many of you go into a job and clown around, tell stories, play video games, hide behind a curtain making weird voices, and get paid for it.  What I do is fun and enjoyable, it does still make for a tiring morning in which my afternoon nap is greatly welcomed.

Long Day

Today has been an extremely long day.  I started the day in South Tampa delivering flowers to raise money for our Children's Ministries.  One of my stops was at a nice sushi place, so I ate lunch there, rally good place called The Rack.  It is a sushi bar and pool hall, so I might use that for a date night when chemo is over and I am allowed to have sushi again.  Then to finish the day off I took care of some things that need to be done before I start treatment, such as change the oil in my jeep and rotate the tires.  Misty continued in her conquest of laundry and super cleaning the house, so that I don't get any weird stuff while on chemo.  I am really proud of how she is handling everything.  Some of you may not know that she is having some health stuff too, I think it might be an ulcer (wonder why?).  She has been very supporting of me through this whole ordeal, and if she had it her way I would obey all of the doctor's orders (like not working out or lifting things that are too heavy).  She even found time to make my favorite dessert and fix the kids favorite dinner tonight (we went out last night).  Just when I thought my day was long I realized that hers was even longer.  Thank you Misty.  I LOVE YOU!!!

Run.

Before Christmas as many of you already know I began to get myself in shape by exercising and eating properly.  I am glad to say that since that time I have been able to drop about 40 pounds, now some of that might be do to my condition, but I have been working really hard at getting in shape also.  My whole adult life I have struggled with weight and exercise, I always knew that if I would jog that my weight wouldn't be as much of a problem.  For me the idea of running without someone chasing me or me chasing someone seemed useless.  Starting is always the hardest part about any exercise especially running.  In January I started to run consistently for the first time in my life and I was doing pretty good at it until last Friday.  When I had my port installed they told me that I couldn't run for two weeks, what a let down.  I have continued exercising by gong for long walks in the evening, but I miss my runs every other day.  I look forward to being able to run in the next week or so.  To put it honestly I am ready to have my life back and not be dealing with this time waster called cancer.  I will run again, and I will be strong, and cancer will be gone.

Bargaining.

Today I found myself trying to bargain with God about my condition.  I understand that God might or might not have a reason to allow me to go through this trial in my life, but I find that I wish I didn't have to go through with it.  So I am bargaining with God that since I have cancer if he heals me before chemo, then there is no doubt that it was a complete work of God.  I know that God is going to bring me through it, but the sooner the better.

As some of you might already know my son Nate is in Karate.  Tonight I got to watch him spar for the first time, the lower belts sparred wit higher belts.  He was going against one kid that kept backing him up, later I told him that in life you must stand your ground.  The same holds true in the fight with cancer, I can either let it back me in a corner or I can stand my ground and fight.  I choose to fight.

Big!

Today was a little more eventful than yesterday, I received a call from the nurse at my doctor's office and was told that I have stageIIIA at this point and that they have not received the results from my bone marrow biopsy.  They also informed me that what they once thought would take about four months of chemo will now take six months.  I truly believe that the bigger the need the bigger the miracle and that God is still in control no matter what the prognosis.  Needless to say I was still a bit bummed about the ordeal.  I know that God is going to heal me whether with the doctor's help or just supernaturally, but the ordeal has made me look at the issue of life and death in a manner that I would never have in the past.  I ask myself, "have I done all in this life that I was meant to do? Has my life amounted to anything of value?  Have I made a significant splash?"  I don't want to sound philosophical or even down trodden, but I feel that we are put on this earth for a purpose that only we can meet.  Life is more than just a coincidence or a flash in time.  I have come to understand that in order to accept life we must also accept death, as there can be no protagonist if there fails to be an antagonist.  The climax in life does not end in death, but in living.  Death is not an end to life, but merely a pit stop along the way.  I do not fear death, neither do I welcome it with open arms as I feel that my purpose is not complete.  I plan to live many years past cancer, however those years will be lived differently from the ones before cancer.  I pray that cancer teaches me how to be a better husband, father, minister, and person.  I want to love people more than I did before, and show more compassion to those in need of it.  

Boring Day!!!

Today I awoke with all of the anticipation that today might be the day.  I really felt that today someone would come on the news with a special news bulletin "this just in, cure for all types of cancer found today written on a napkin found in King Tut's tomb."  I guess today wasn't that day, nor do I think it will happen tomorrow.  It will probably happen on the day after my last chemo treatment.  On a serious note, not much has happened in the world of cancer since my last blog, which for me that is not a bad thing.  I am glad that of all of the diseases that a person could have mine should be over in just a few short months, instead of dealing with it for a lifetime.  I can't even imagine the turmoil people go through when they have a disease that will stick around for life.  I know that I am strong, but I am not that strong.  I think that I would much rather have cancer than a disease like MS or MD, with cancer I can still feel well on most days.  My hat goes off to those people that suffer from lifelong ailments.  

Doctors, wow!!!

The thought of intelligent design in the scientific community is one that in recent years has began to gain some steam.  To some the debate rages on while to others it is pretty simple and plain for the eye or even the microscope to see.  Today I spent some time researching the history behind Hodgkin's Disease.  It amazes me to know that God has given doctors such an unbelievable gift as to be able to look at a group of cells and determine what disease is effecting those cells.  The advances in modern science in regards to Hodgkin's over the past ten years is proof that we couldn't have come from a single cell organism.  If you need to, look it up for yourself; there is no other explanation for the complexity of the human body than for there to be designer that planned it out.  The cool thing is that God knew exactly what Doctors to put where in order to advance research that would allow for them to find cures for diseases such as cancer.  

The other day I had the privilege of discussing my condition with one of the technicians in the nuclear medicine department at Moffitt, and she informed me of how stem cell research could allow for doctors to taylor make cancer treatments for patients.  The only reason to make a taylor made treatment program is because each patient is uniquely designed.  Every part of our bodies is unique to us, no two persons are exactly the same.  Every person is created with a specific purpose and contribution to give to the world.  An that thought is what helps me get through this, I have a purpose!!!

The Dealer!!!

I have always said that life is dealt out just like a hand of cards, and that the only thing that matters is how you play them.  That is so true, even while standing in the shadow of gloom that can sometimes be dealt by cancer.  When the news came that I had cancer I felt as if I had been dealt a hand of all low number cards in a rainbow array of suits.  As any gambler knows, the game is not won in what is dealt but how you play the cards and how well you can out think the other players.  Cancer is a bad hand, but it is not the end of the game, I will draw two more cards in hopes that the hand betters, I will pray that I have the better hand, and I will continue to play as if I have the hand that can win it all.  This is not an attempt at empty hope, it is far from that, as cancer is not the end of my game, I will play on and cancer will fold.  

My hope is not based on mere fate or on some notion that I alone can beat this, my faith is in the One who made my body.  He alone is my chance at beating cancer, without His help my body would shrivel and die.  You see I know the dealer, and I know that He has an ACE up His sleeve, and with His help I WILL win this hand.

Sorry.

Yesterday was a pretty large day for me as I went through two procedures, looked for a dog, and spent time with the family.  I had my Smart Port installed into my chest.  The port is pretty cool, I hope I get to keep it after it comes out.  I then had my bone-marrow taken out of my hip.  The whole series of procedures was supposed to be done under full anesthesia, however if you drink some water before going then they have to keep you awake.  I found that out the hard way, it was pretty neat knowing when they were cutting and cauterizing my vessels on the install of my port, but I don't remember the bone marrow tap.  Misty was there to drive me home and listen to me talk out of my head.  We finished the morning with a nice sashimi and sushi lunch at Samurai Blue in Ybor.  What a day it was.

Sleep.

Today I had the distinct pleasure of getting to sleep during the majority of the morning.  I was shot up with radioactive sugar and told to relax for 90 minutes.  I fell asleep within 15 minutes.  I was then awakened to go to the PT scan room.  They strapped me in and a few minutes later I was asleep again.  I practically slept until 11:30 this morning.

The tole of this process is starting to show signs in the lives and stress levels of my family members.  Tonight the kids are at some friends house, while Misty and I get to discuss the road to recovery.  Sometimes I feel that this is harder on them than it is on me.

The Truth About Needles

Today I had the distinct pleasure of giving blood.  I know some of you are wondering why a cancer patient would give blood.  In my case it was pretty simple decision, as my doctor requested that they take it from me, so instead of having my blood taken I gladly gave it.  I know that I have said that needles scare me, the truth is that I actually like to watch it when they stick them in.  Morbid I think, but for some reason it is easier to watch them poke me then to turn my head.  I guess that is because I am a person that doesn't like surprises.  I want to know what is wrapped in the box weeks before I open it, I will even try to connive my children and wife into telling me what is in my Christmas presents.  The one thing that I hate more than needles is the anticipation of the needle going into my skin, I want to watch so that I know exactly when it is going in.  Tomorrow I get to have a PT scan, which includes more needles (I will watch them go in also), and some pictures (I better wear nice clothes).  Until then.

Nothing Much

Today has been pretty uneventful in the fight against cancer.  I scheduled my port placement and bone marrow tap for Friday of this week.  I am not afraid of much, but needles are not to fun.  I do look forward with hesitant anticipation to the thought of being sedated.  I have never experienced that in the past, so it will be interesting.  Well, that is all for now.

Torture

Today was one of the worst days of this process yet.  I hate needles (I know I need to get used to them) so today in honor of the possible release of Gitmo prisoners the federal gov't decided to torture me at the hands of the medical staff at Moffitt Cancer Center.  They stuck needles in both of my arms, one in a vein the other in an artery, then they put radioactive material in the blood and returned it into my body; I hope I glow tonight, they said I wouldn't but it would be cool.  They also took pictures of my heart and checked to make sure my lungs work.  Everything looked good, I guess all of those cigarettes that I smoked when I was eight haven't had much effect on my heart and lungs.  I do wish that when they finished torturing me that I could have gotten a cool Spiderman sticker, I guess they stop doing that when you get old.

What A Day.

Sunday's and I have a love hate relationship, I find myself loving church but at sometimes I find myself dreading it also.  Let me explain, I love it when a plan comes together, I don't when things fall through.  I love it when the kids listen to every single word, I don't love it when they want to hear nothing of what I am saying.  I enjoy the rest that I get on Sunday, but I don't always like the stress that I experience.  I think that with almost everything in life there are things that we like about any given subject, but then on the same subject there are things that we dislike.  I like the fact that cancer will give me an opportunity to understand others in a way that I would have never understood them before, I don't like the uncertainty of what is ahead.  

I it is easy for us to say that God has it all worked out, but putting that into actin is not always as easy.  There are times when I ask God why me, and that is not bad, as it is not wrong to question God.  When I see someone who is doing things that are known to cause cancer, yet I don't do those things, I can't help but wonder why me.  The truth however is that because of sin, death and sickness have entered into the world.  The good thing is that we don't have to accept that fate, if we have Jesus in our lives.  Think About It.