Life

I just want to take the time to point out how amazing life truly is. I know that cancer at times can cast a shadow on life and it's joys, but I also have noticed that for me in particular it has caused me to stop and smell the roses. Tonight on my walk I chose to go through a neighborhood that I have passed but never strolled through. As I was walking on the side walk I noticed a beautiful aroma in the air, I looked up to see a tree with huge clusters of small flowers that smelled so wonderful and sweet. I walked slowly under that tree being careful to enjoy every bit of the scent that it was putting into the air. Amazing how so many times we just pass things like that tree in our hasty and busy lives, without enjoying the fragrance that is lurking in the air. We walk (or run) past the best things in life because we think that what we have planned is the best, but sometimes the things that aren't planned bring us the most joy.

Father's day

Wow, I didn't realize that it has been over a month since my last post. To be honest in the world of cancer, not much has changed, I wish I could be telling you that there is a cure that was found or something cool like that. Some of the unsung heroes in the fight against cancer are the children that have parents that are fighting the disease. Nothing points that out more than one of the cards that I got today, my kids wish for this battle to be over with just as much as I do. I can't imagine the fear and uncertainty that is in their little minds as I walk this long dark road, I do know that they have seen me at my weakest points. I am sad to say that when everyone sees me I sometimes put on a mask of confidence and hope, but my kids see me when I can barely move and when my spirits are down, that is certain to bring confusion to them. They still see me as Superman, but they also are aware of my Kryptonite. I continue to fight this for them, but with them being next to me in the trenches I cannot help but wonder what effect either good or bad this might have on them.

Stinkin' Sidewalk

I don't normally complain on here about anything, to be honest I am usually pretty positive.  However, tonight had to be one of the suckiest nights for me in quite awhile.  I went for my usual evening run with the dog (my doctor told me not too), and I tripped on an uneven piece of sidewalk and skinned my knee, now normally that would be no problem but right now I need my body to worry about fighting cancer and not infection or even trying to heal a common scrape.  With my condition, this could prove to be a not good thing at all, but I am trusting that the same God who informed me that I would make it through cancer will allow me to heal up without an infection.  

Cat or Dog

Today I go in for a Pet Scan.  the doctor told me during my last treatment that all cancer should be gone or close to gone.  The Pet Scan today should be able to tell us how well the cancer has responded thus far to the poison that I have been putting in my body.  I am half way finished with the treatments and hope for things to stay that way.

Bartender, give me another round.

Well, yesterday was the day for another round.  Not drinks, but chemo.  It never seems to get easier, each time I go there I hope that they will inform me that I only need a special miracle pill that will make it all go away, but that never happens.  The next few days will be spent trying to recover and making Misty do all of the house work (as if she doesn't already).  I did get to see another person graduate and ring the bell by the door, I can't wait until it is my turn.  I plan to ring that bell loud and hard on my last day.  Anyhow that is how things are going in my life, nothing has changed and I am still fighting just as hard as I have from the beginning.

Wife Is Good!!!

There are a lot of things in life that could cause more pain than cancer has for me.  I think about people that will never get to feel the warmth of having people around them that love them and I begin to cherish what I have.  one of the often unsaid victims of cancer is the spouse of the cancer patient, so much is spent in time and money on those that are diagnosed with cancer that the ones who love them seem to fall to the way side.  Since I started treatments my wife has not only had to under go the pains of her health issues, but she has had to endure the agony of mine as well.  She has had to increase the amount of things that she does around the house because of the added infectious problems that they can cause for me.  She has had to put up with me not being able to help with simple chores on the weekends after I have had treatments.  While most everybody that I come into contact with see me with a huge smile on my face, my wife has had to deal with my unusual grumpiness.  I truly think that the unsung heroes in the fight against cancer are the spouses of those who are diagnosed, they are tough.  

Dose four and a dog.

Wow, what a weekend.  Easter came so fast this year, almost as if it came without any warning.  We had a great service and gave out thousands of eggs to kids that were in attendance.  I had treatment on Thursday and suffered the usual stomach problems (constipation and nausea) as I have in the past.  My white blood cells have remained extremely well so far and I am only having a few side effects from the chemo.  On Friday I had a movie day with the children's church followed by shopping for Easter clothes.  When we got home at around 8PM we received information about a dog that needed a home, so we took an hour drive to go look at her, she is the sweetest dog.  We were a bit hesitant in getting her as we just lost our other dog from an unknown illness just three weeks ago, but we took her in regardless.  I got to spend some one on one time with her last night and within minutes I had her sitting on command, she is very smart. Her name is Julie and she is part Labrador mixed with some sort of shepherd, she is beautiful.  I know that some of you reading this are probably wondering why I would take on the adventure of a puppy while going through chemo.  Honestly, I know that without a dog I tend to not be as apt to go for nightly walks and runs as I should, cancer doesn't really help with weight loss as much as I had hoped so I still have to work at losing those unwanted pounds.  Julie will be a great companion for running and taking long walks, I hope to lose another seventy five pounds with her assistance.  The other bonus of adding a dog to the mix, is that she keeps the kids busy and forces them to pick up their toys.

Helping Others.

This week has been amazing in how at times I have felt down and then brought back to understanding why I am suffering through cancer.  My hope in all of this is that people might come to trust God more in their own lives.  Just today someone emailed me telling me about the spiritual progress of their friend due in part because of what they have been reading in this blog and the faith that God has allowed me to have.  My true hope with this blog is to help others grow in their faith.  If you or someone you know has been able to grow in their faith through reading this blog, feel free to post about it so that others can grow in faith.  I think that faith is contagious, even more so than the flu or any sickness, so feel free to share those stories.

"Kiss my grits"

Well as many of you know this weekend was tons of fun, I got to spend my night with the friendly staff at Moffitt Cancer Center last night.  They are very accommodating they even had a clean bed ready for me when I arrived.  It appears that I just got a bit of the flu or a cold just like anyone else, except with chemo they freak out and want you to be under watch.  I still am convinced that this is just an attack from satan and I have news for him, in the eloquent words of Flo, satan you can kiss my grits.  

Under the weather

In a normal year I get a cold maybe once or twice and they last a week and are usually not to much of a concern for me.  This time is different, today I started to experience the cold symptoms cough, runny nose, congestion, and body aches.  Normally these symptoms are not concerning and I usually ignore them and go on.  i really think that this time is more of an attack from the devil than in the past, just this week in Children's Church we talked about how we as Christians have authority over the devil and how he tries to stop God by harming those who serve Him.  This week has been a mountain top week for our children's ministry, and I feel that this cold is an attack from Satan himself.  I am believing God for complete control over this situation and know that Satan has no ability to cause me anymore harm.  With all of this in mind, I believe god has some pretty big plans to follow the awesomeness that He showed this week.  So, Satan, if you are reading this you can kiss my butt, oh yeah and enjoy the size 14 shoe in your face, 'cause I ain't going out like that.  I apologize to the rest of you for my strong language, and know that you will be in prayer with me that I will get better soon.

Awesome Week.

When I found out that I had cancer people told me that life would find a new normal, and that everything would be looked at through the eyes of cancer.  That little bit of advice cannot be any further from the truth.  Since my diagnosis in January, I have tried to maintain life as normal and too much of my own surprise my efforts have been successful.  There are times when I suffer from Chemo Brain, but for the most part life is lived just as it was prior to the big "C" and in some cases my life and health are better.  This week is one of those times where the big "C" has had little effect on the success or failure of the things that I have pursued, and for that I thank God.

Pushing Through

This weekend has been a real whirlwind for my family, but God is continuing to be awesome in everything.  I had a treatment on Thursday, Misty had a colonoscopy on Friday, Nate had a church event and Karate tournament on Saturday, and we started a kids revival on Sunday that will last through Wednesday.  What a weekend!!!  God continues to give me the strength that I need to push through the times when I feel weak or tired.  Thank You God for the strength to stand when I don't think that I can.

Third time around.

I am now three days past my third treatment, and things have gone pretty well.  The only different side effect that I have had this time has been neuropathy in my fingers and in my toes, this is fun and scary at the same time.  It is nice that now I can carry hot pans from the oven to the table without a pot holder, but smell of the hot flesh is not to pleasing.  I am only kidding, I have to take extreme care to make sure that I pay attention so that I don't injure myself without knowing about it.  This time around I still lost taste, I know that some would argue that I have never had much taste to begin with.  On a more serious note, things are going great and i couldn't ask for a better outcome considering the circumstances.

not much happening

Some times I feel guilty when I haven't posted for a few days, as if I am letting people down because I have nothing to say.  Really right now in the course of my treatment it seems that not much is happening.  My lymph nodes are continuing to decrease in size and everyday is just one day closer to the end of this short journey.  I don't resent having cancer, but I don't enjoy it either. I know that God will bring me through and that in the end He alone deserves the glory. 

One Week

Today marks the day that I celebrate every two weeks, the one week before and after chemo treatments.  This round has been much better than the last time in the sense that I have been able to get back to life much quicker than the last time.  Since my treatment last Thursday I have walked nearly every night and ran one evening.  My kids still don't quite understand my situation and Celeena still thinks that the bump from the port in my chest is the reason I am sick.  Their simple understanding of my condition is just one more reason that I must live through it.  How can a child that cannot fully comprehend why their daddy is sick understand why their daddy died?  The thought of someone having to explain this complexity to them is reason enough to keep on living.

What Is Time?

When the doctor informed me that I would have to go through six months of chemotherapy the amount of time seemed like an eternity.  I thought to myself of all the things that I would miss out on in that time and the torture that my body would be going through.  Six months in the broad scope of things is not very long at all.  I began to think of those that suffer for that time or longer just learning how to walk with a prosthetic leg, or recovering from a spinal injury to be bound to a wheel chair for life.  When I began to look at things in that light I realized that my six months of torture isn't as bad as it could be, heck women go through nine month of being nauseous, which is three months longer than my projected time.  Right now there are guys and gals coming back from the battlefield that not only will suffer for a time from the pain of their wounds, but will have to adjust to living with scars that are much deeper than the ones that I will incur.  My time of suffering doesn't look so bad in comparison to what others must go through, and for that I am extremely thankful.  Yeah, I won't get to ride with my top down for a while or go to the beach, but in six short months the weather in Florida will still be like summer, and that top is going to be off while I am on my way to the beach to swim and get sunburned just like every summer since I moved to Florida. 

Better the second time around

This week I got my second day of round one.  Things have been much better this time around, not nearly as much nausea, pain or any other discomforts.  I even had enough energy last night to walk a few miles to play a prank on our Royal Rangers.  They were camping at a park a few miles from our apartment, so I snuck up there in the middle of the night and set off a string of firecrackers and scared them.  They thought that a war had started, I guess that a string of

m-80's will do that to a bunch of ten year olds.  I still had a little bit of energy drain today, but getting out and walking last night really helped get through the weekend.

Bad News.

Got some bad news this week, my car insurance just went up.  Ok I know that was cheesy and since this is a cancer blog you probably feel like you have just been ripped off or something.  On another note, today I went through day two of chemo.  While Ia m there I get to catch up on reading, movies, tv, shows and anything else that I can think of to help me pass the time; as it is very boring.  All of my blood counts looked good and the doctors seem to have a very positive outlook.  Some of the people that have been receiving treatment at the same time that I do have not been so fortunate.  I look at what I am going through in comparison to them and I know that I am extremely fortunate.  I remind them that God is in control and that I will continue to pray for them, I ask that you would do the same.  Even though I now know what it means to suffer, Ihave no idea the pain that these people are going through.  It is in times like today where I pray that God uses me in a way that can touch the lives of others.

More Poison, But I Ain't Scared

Tomorrow I get the joy of adding more poison to my body, not something that I look forward to but something that is necessary for my survival.  This entire process has been a learning experience for me.  I have learned more about myself through this than any other single event in my life.  Cancer has shown me not only my weaknesses but also my strengths.  One of those strengths is my ability to put faith in God to handle my situations when most people would worry.  Tonight in our Bible study at church we talked about fear, one of the questions dealt with what fears we have.  The only true fear that I could think of is not being able to accomplish in my life what God wants me to accomplish, I don't fear death or any other thing that most people fear.  What in life do we really have to fear?  Should we fear the unknown, death, public speaking, or anything else?  As someone that is facing a slim possibility of death, I feel no reason to fear it.  The unknown is like a mystery that invokes a thrill ride such as a roller coaster in a dark tunnel, you can't see what is ahead but that is where the thrill comes.  I encourage you to look into your fears, and defeat them in any way possible.  Fear is only a restraint of the devil that keeps people from truly experiencing the joy of life as God intended.

Run For Your Life!

When I found out that I could have something seriously wrong with my health I decided that it was time to get serious about how I treated my body.  As some of you might already know I have lost nearly fifty pounds since Christmas.  One of the things that I have incorporated into my life is running.  I like running for the simple fact that it allows me to do more of one of my favorite activities, eating.  I know that prior to exercising my heart and blood pressure numbers were all higher than I would like, and after just one month of exercising my numbers dropped drastically. One of the numbers that dropped surprisingly was my fasting blood sugar levels, exercise has brought them into the normal range.  Cancer has tried to stop me from exercising, and at times it is successful, but I will not let it stop me from achieving what I need to achieve in my fitness goals.  When I am finished with cancer I will be meaner and leaner than I ever have, and that will allow me to live how I have always wanted (on the edge).  I will no longer be restricted by my body from doing things like skydiving, rock climbing, scuba diving, bull riding, or anything else that I put my mind too.  I don't run for fitness, I run for my life.